Take Your Power Back

It's late. I'm watching television. Can't sleep. You know how my sleeping patterns are, Cuddlebug. My demons come and I'm haunted. My eyes close and I see it. I feel it. I hear it. I want to escape it. I can't get away from my own mind. My own thoughts. The therapy doesn't always work. Sometimes I wish I was still getting high because it was a sure way to escape him. I could see him and smell him on top of me. I hated myself for so long because sometimes it felt normal. I'd close my eyes and imagine I was someplace else or he was someone else. I felt like trash. My body turned against me. He'd send my Mom out and I knew it was only a matter of time. I always wore so many layers of clothes. It never helped. I just wanted to cover up. I didn't like taking a shower. He took that from me. He's the one who terrorized my sleep. I'd wake up with his hands down my pants. He would come up to my room almost every night. I tried to fall asleep downstairs, or sleep on the floor in my room. Nothing worked. People tell me they can't understand how I let it go on for so long. Yes, my ex-husband said that to me. Until you've lived with an abuser, you don't know the power they have over you. I felt ashamed. I felt weak. I didn't want to hurt my Mom. I just know I wasn't the only one who went through this. It made it normal. It's just that sick! I felt like that was how things were supposed to be. When my ex-husband tried to touch me, I felt sick. I hated it. I loved him. I still love him. My ex-husband is a good man, but I can be no man's wife. It's too painful for me. No matter how much I block it out. He always comes back.
When I finally told my mom about it, he had been long gone from her. He left her shortly after I ran away. Some other girl became his next victim, but she was stronger than me. She went to the police. Before he could go to trial, he shot himself.
He robbed me of so much and in the end I wasn't able to have my victory. He even robbed me of that. I couldn't wait to show him how strong of a person I am. My ex-husband felt relieved. He said he didn't know if he could have refrained himself from attacking that bastard.
I felt unsatisfied because it seemed like he still won. He didn't have to face it. I felt like I let that other girl down by not saying something. Had I said something earlier, she wouldn't have went through the same thing I went through. I talked to her a while back and she told me it wasn't anybody's fault but his. I can't say I agree. I feel like I could have stopped him. I wish I hadn't been so weak.
In my counseling, I have learned I am a survivor. Other women like me have said they felt the same way. Yes, I felt weak all those years. My regret comes from hindsight. That's where the nightmares come from. I think about all of the times I could have ended it, but I didn't do it. I ran away and now I'm haunted thinking about what I should have done. If there is any young girl out there who's going through something like I went through, please, please, please tell somebody. Let somebody know. Take your power back. Don't let your abuser get away. Take your power back. You are not a victim. It is not right. Your abuser is a coward and once you take your power back you will see. Trust me. You have power.

These sleeping pills are starting to work, Cuddlebug. I'm going to try and get some rest. I'm still hoping you contact me again. It's been a week with no word. I'm still waiting. I miss you.