Clean & Sober

I witnessed two people arguing today. Husband and wife. The argument wasn't a yelling match. There wasn't any pushing and shoving. If you weren't paying attention you may have missed it. You know how I saw it Sarah. The game …I still play. I still watch the people move about around me. I glimpse outside my life at the world around me. I read your diary and I noticed that you mentioned the game, but you left out some details. Since we discovered the diary, that part has troubled me the most. I wonder how much else is missing that I don’t know. There were other parts that bothered me also, but I don't want to discuss those things right at this moment. It's the profile game.

Well Sarah, with age, the game we played together so many years ago has evolved. When we were young it was about something else. We were adolescents. We looked at the world selfishly. We looked at only the people around us instead of looking at the world around us. (Now that I'm older, I see better. Not literally cause my vision has gotten a little worse. I wear glasses now.) We were missing a lot when playing our game. We didn't see the trees, we didn't see the bugs, we didn't see the animals like birds and squirrels. We only saw the people. It took me a long time to finally see past the people. I was sitting in Golden Gate Park waiting on the sun to come up. It was one night of many I'd wandered the streets of San Francisco all night long. I found refuge in the parks around the city; landmarks and monuments. I remember sitting in the park being glad it wasn't cold and foggy. Then a squirrel poked its head from around a tree. I looked at the squirrel and thought what its life must be like. Does it feel love? Does it worry? It was obvious the squirrel was in the same place with me physically, but it was not in the same place with me mentally. The squirrel lived in the park and I was a visitor. It climbed up the tree and disappeared. Then I thought . . . how long has that tree been there? The world seemed to open up to my young mind in that moment. I became clean and sober that day.

You see, Sarah, I was in a lot of pain. I would wander those streets in search of temporary solutions to long-term problems. Getting high. Getting drunk. Being intoxicated gave me relief. I didn't have to face myself. I didn't have to participate in real life. My routine gave me purpose. My mission every day was to get high or get enough money to do so. I chased the high every day 'till I found it. The chase and the accomplishment of the score gave me satisfaction. Almost everyone who suffers from addiction follows this pattern. The game we discovered so long ago brought me to the place I am today. That squirrel and that tree . . . I saw my purpose of existence through them. I realized I was not born into this world to chase a high. I was not born into this world to become an addict. I called my Mom and checked into rehab that day. I didn't wander the streets like that ever again.

Yeah, I still find myself observing people. That's why I noticed the couple arguing. I saw their wedding rings and their married chemistry. There were arguing over spending. The wife had spent too much money and the husband was upset. I thought about the squirrel. I wonder how many arguments the squirrel has gotten in with his mate? I love you, Cuddlebug. TTYL.