April 2nd

I lost a dear friend at work today. I knew it was coming. I worked at a hospital. I work in a place where the cycle of life is constant. Life and death circle around me constantly. Babies are born; life begins to breathe air in this place I work. People die; life ends. Life takes its last breath in this place work. A vortex of human energy in constant cycle. My job is caretaker of human life. I am a nurse.

I do my best not to become too attached to the people who become patients at my job. I do my job. I take care of them and do my best to make sure their healthcare needs are met, but I don't get too attached. I learned early on that becoming attached to my patients can make my job hard. I learned early on that you can't hold onto life no matter how hard you try. When it's time for life to come or go, it is time. The children are always the hardest.

A young boy came into my job two days ago. He was the victim of a gunshot wound to his head. I've seen cases like this before. I work in a major metropolitan area where gunshot violence is prevalent. Young men and young women are shot (not always killed) every single day. I'm not used to it. I'm used to death but not used to seeing these kids. It's always shocking to see. I've become numb to the shock. It hits me and I absorb it. I absorb being shocked and quickly stabilize and proceed. I don't know what was so different about yesterday. At work, it always seems to be the same day over and over again. I enter and leave the same way, but when the young boy arrived my heart melted. I became overwhelmed with emotion. It was as if I'd known this little boy all my life. His little body lay motionless on the gurney. His energy surrounded by commotion: paramedics, nurses, respiratory specialist, doctors, police, firemen, and his mother. I'm used to the commotion which comes with the attempt to save the breath of life. This little boy was different. I wanted to know what happened to him. Why was this life so close to being gone? I wanted to ask but it wasn't my place. Still, this one was different somehow. I had to know. I asked one of the paramedics. He told me it was a gunshot wound to the head inflicted by a family member. He wasn't sure who. I couldn't be numb. Shock waves erupted throughout my body. Why? How? I heard his mom crying to the Cop taking her statement.

Her two little boys were playing video games. The younger one who lay motionless on the gurney was 10-years-old. Her other son was thirteen. Somehow the 13-year-old got a hold of a gun. He pointed it at his little brother playfully trying to scare him in an April Fool's joke and the gun went off. It wasn't her gun and she doesn't know where he got it from. All I could think was how in the world or why in the world does a 13-year-old boy had a gun? What has the world become? Children feel the need to have a gun or defend themselves with a gun? Children feel the need for protection from other children with guns? What kind of world do we live in?

I worked a double shift overnight and I constantly checked on this little boy whom I felt I'd known all his life. At some point I felt I'd seen him move but I knew he didn't. At some point, I felt light he'd make it through, but I knew he wouldn't. Early this morning before my shift ended he took his last breath. I kept my composure all the way to the car and then set in it and cried. A long drawn out cry that seemed to cleanse me back to my numbness.

This world is trouble. Why? Why did we say and do nothing? We blame and blame. It's time for me to do more cuddlebug. This blog I created for you may help someone someday. I'm deeply troubled. Tiffany made me some breakfast. I'm going to try and get some rest. I love you Cuddlebug. I miss you.