Insecurities

Tiffany stayed out late last night.  That sounds bad.  I'm putting that wrong.  Sarah, do you remember what I told you about how we phrase our words?  That's what I'm doing.  I'm putting my words wong and it's showing the way I feel.  Can you see it?  I know.  I'm not being fair to Tiffany.  She's working late.  She's a hostess at a French restaurant. Some fancy investment bankers are basically buying the place for the night.  She's working later than usual. I'm home with the kids.  I just put them to bed.  It's my night off.  I have to work tomorrow and I wanted to at least talk with her before I went to bed.  Now I'm going to go to sleep without her.  There a lot there huh?  Yeah.  This blog would have to be a book for others to understand what I'm going through.  I've been cheated on.  It seems like every time I fall in love or trust someone something bad happens and I lose them.  Sometimes I really don't know what to do.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  Do I sabotage myself or do I attract it?  Maybe I'm looking for it?  It shakes you.  You see the face which is unfamiliar -- the stranger.  How can someone you love be a stranger?  How can someone you know be a stranger?  How do you explain that?  I couldn't, I can't and because I can't, I'm punished.  I'm punished because I can't understand that question: How can someone you love be a stanger?  That's how it feels to be betrayed or mislead by soeone you love.  It's a nightmare.  Who can you trust if you can't trust someone you love?  That question poisons the world, causing us to mistrust people who really love us.  The truth! The truth is always.  No matter what you believe, truth is beyond understanding, because there is always more to understand.  My insecurity is unfair to Tiffany.  Tiffany is living her life, and she is sharing her life with me.  I said, "She stayed out late." She's working.  She's not staying out.  LOL...I know you're laughing Sarah.  You caught the phrase from the tone.  When you heard she was working you knew.  I made her somebody else.  "She stayed out late tonight"?  She's working.  I'm suffering though insecurity.  I know you know.  Your life was filled with loss Sarah.  I hurt for you because I know what you went through in life is far more than what I went through.  I feel it is an insult to compare.  I wish I could take some of your pain away.  All you know is loss honey bear.  Everything you love taken away... I don't know.  I'm here complaining about someone who truly loves me.  I feel you everyday Sarah.  I feel you everyday.  I trust wherever you are, you are okay.  The phone's ringing be right back...  It was Tiffany.  She was calling to check on Justice and Free.  She missed me too,  Insecurity.  It's unfair to the people who love you.  Hope you're okay.  Miss you.

Port Au Prince

Compassion is a lost art.  I've seen so many people numb to suffering.  If it doesn't directly affect them and their lives, then it doesn't matter.  Yes, there is a great number of people suffering.  There are more people suffering than one person can help.  It's easy for us to write off.  Some of us talk about how sad it is to see the suffering and then run back to our warm safe places and block out the rest of the world.  What if it was us?  What if it were you?  What if it was someone you love who was suffering?  Wouldn't you want someone to help you or your family if disaster struck?  I ask those who feel that way this question: What else have you done to help someone else who you don't know that is suffering?

I work in a major city and I watch people work and live in this community who are fearful of those who don't have as muchs as they do.  My girlfriend at work always complained about this kid who she didn't want her son to hang around.  "That kid this!" and "This kid that!" So I asked her about the child's family.  She told me the kid's parents are gone.  Mom's a drug addict and father's never been in the picture.  The kid lives with his grandparents.  So I said to her, "Why don't you help hom to be a better person?  If that child grows up and victimizes someone she knows, remember it's not her problem."

As a society we do not collectively care about our society.  A few people who do care and understand the need to take cae of the community.

I witnessed the people of Haiti come together.  A place of extreme poverty.  The people came together to help and pray.  No victimizing their already grief stricken land.  These beautiful people came together and our world came together to help them.  If we could do this everyday imagine how beautiful our world would be.  Imagine how beautiful life would be for everyone if we all just helped and showed compassion.  Yes, there are evil people in this world, but those people were once children.  Think about that.  Think about how many less people would have been hurt or victimied if thse evil adults would have been helped by their community when they were children.  Maybe not all the evil people of the world can be prevented, but think about what just one less evil act would mean for those who were victimized.  Don't we owe that to our communities?  No judgment, no prejudice, only help & love.  It could save a life.

I miss you so much Cuddlebug.  I'm going down to the local Salvation Army to take thse clothes and canned goods for donation.  I volunteer at the local shelter at least once a month.  It's not much, but it's something and I'm always willing to help.  Free and Justice love helping too.  They're so good.  I miss you Sarah.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Blackout

I found myself staring in the mirror this morning.  It wasn't like I walked into the bathroom and got stuck looking at myself in the mirror.  I didn't begin brushing my teeth and then find myself stuck in the mirror.  I really don't know how I got there.  I... I woke up looking at myself in the mirror.  Maybe if this hadn't happened before I would've been scared, but it's been like this all my life.  I don't know if my body is in tune with my subconscious to the point wher I'm possessed by my unknown, uncontrolled thoughts, but I find myself coming out of this trance-like state a lot.  I tell my friends it's nothing when I come to.  They think I'm spacey for that.  I just tune out and come back to reality some place else.  It's weird.  I'm embarrassed for telling people about this, but since I'm not really using my last name I feel like I have some room to be free. 

Sarah, you know already.  I don't have to explain this to you.  It's getting worse.  I thought I was getting it under control, but I keep doing it.  Do you remember the first night it happened?  I'm sure you do.  You noticed it right away... I thought it was because of how perceptive you always are.  You have this natural ability to read people.  I thought that was it.  I didn't know you were like me.  I didn't.  I really felt closer to you knowing we share this unique bond.  Now, as I experience it in my older years, I think about how we delt with this together and now we are apart.  Tiffany is really supportive of me.  I wonder and hope you have someone supportive of you too.  I miss you Sarah.  There's something to remind me of you every day.

For everybody else going through this, you are not alone.  I know it's crazy to wake up and not know what happened before.  I hate it.  Me and Sarah had each other.  We were never afraid together.  I feel for those who endure this alone.

I love you Sarah.  I hope you're safe.

Work

Hey Sarah… I’m on the leash. I know, I know. You can’t believe it. Maybe you do? The last time we talked is still vivid in my mind. All night. We had fun. I still reflect on things we said that night. Deep communication. Maybe we pulled the energy of that conversation from the stars. I don’t know how one night can touch so many years of one’s life. It’s the last time I saw you. Maybe we knew we were saying goodbye. That has to be the case. We said goodbye to each other all night long. We didn’t know. It was the last time. Yeah… I work. I’m on the leash.


I told you getting a job meant the end of freedom. I’d always tell you to fight the enslavement. Don’t wear a leash. Don’t put on a necktie or they own you…LOL…Well, I did try to not do it. I sold flowers on the street corners in San Francisco. I did all sorts of things. I even made furniture. Then I got married and had my first child. Everything changed. Her name is Free. When I looked into her eyes I grew up. In that moment, I changed. All I wanted was for her to be happy, strong, and Free. It’s amazing how children impact our lives. By the time my second child was born (his name is Justice) I’d finished my program at college and became a Registered Nurse  Yes, I found a way to wear a tax code and still help the world. I do still find myself wishing the world was the way we dreamed it that night. All of the ideals we made real. I do feel my choice was for the best. I guess that’s the way it happens. One day you’re searching for yourself and then you’re here. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like, but I can say I’m happy. I wish you were here. I wonder what life would be like if you were here. I hope it’s not too late. I have to work a double shift tonight, 4pm-8am. I have to put my leash on. Love you Sarah. I’ll talk to you later.

Love and Marriage...

My ideas about life and love have changed a lot since I was a teenager. In my teens I felt I knew enough about life to make adult decisions. Don’t we all? Sarah and I would day dream about life, the future. Two teenage girls with a limited understanding of the world. I use d to say I’d never marry because marriage was a fraud. Marriage was only an acknowledgment to the system of my love for another person. I didn’t need a piece of paper to represent my love for the person I’m with. I didn’t need a tax code to established that I had someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t need that… It’s funny. I moved to San Francisco and married the first guy I fell in love with. I just loved him so much and I didn’t want to lose him. I forced him into marriage. We were young. I was 19 and he was 21. Five years and two children later, we divorced. He found someone who did the things needed and I wasn’t mad at him. I didn’t really want to be in the relationship. I couldn’t please him in bed. I tried to do it just for him, but I had no desire to. After our second child the relationship was over. We divorced and I didn’t think I’d ever remarry. I didn’t want another man to please and that was the problem.

I met Tiffany at a divorce group meeting. I tell her the day I met her I knew I was a lesbian. We instantly hit it off. I was so attracted to her. She’d been married before too. That’s how we met. It’s been seven wonderful years and I’m so happy.

Sarah, I know you were the one who always wanted to get married and I wonder if you ever did. I know you’d make someone very happy. You were always the best at everything. I really miss you a lot. I trust all is well with you and that wherever you are, you’re safe. I miss you. Talk to you later.

Dear Sarah...

Hi my name is Heather. I know I’m just another person with a blog trying to gain the attention of a mass audience…my fifteen minutes of fame? No. Well... if I can gain some attention I know that it will help my cause. I’m trying to find someone. I’m trying to find someone I lost long ago. Her name is Sarah Brown and she’s a missing person.

Two years ago me and a few remaining family members published her diary through a friend of mine named Tshombe. We published her diary with the hope of finding Sarah or finding out what happened to her immediate family. For so long we have been trying to do it all by ourselves for over 14 years. For almost fifteen years my best friend has been missing. I don’t think too many people can imagine what that’s like. I was in high school when it happened. Now I’m in my thirties. I’ve divorced and remarried. I have two beautiful children and my best friend hasn’t been able to share it with me.

I’m starting this blog for Sarah Brown. Her family nor I want to release her picture for fear she may go deeper into hiding. Over the years, Sarah has made contact a few times. Her most recent contact was a video posted on Youtube.

I will post something here at least once a week for Sarah. Sarah, if you’re out there and you read this, know that we love you and we’re trying to do everything we can to make it so you can come home. To everyone else: Please read Sarah’s Diary available here or here. She needs our help. Thank you.